The notion that I didn’t have to follow the “rules” has been steadfast since I was young. I wouldn’t go as far as calling myself a rebel, though authority was not something I appreciated. Coming from a divorced family, I know now that I was faced with situations and emotions beyond my years and ability to comprehend. However, at the time I felt as though I understood things differently than people my age and thus felt it necessary to challenge anything and everything, mostly out of curiosity I think. My poor mother. While I have never been particularly good at sports or video games, I have always been proud of my intellect; my ability to understand things and question their face value. I love to read, research, and dream of the possibilities. My imagination has always pushed through the limits of my realities, almost to a point of denial at times. Yet, when the daily grind took over as a young adult… I slowly lost touch with my inner child and the dreams that set my soul on fire. I had to go with Plan B, out of sheer survival. A plan I don’t think I ever wanted, but knew I could follow and succeed. It was the easy way since self-doubt prevailed…but deep down I knew I was destined for more. In the years that followed I battled my conscious about quitting my job, broke off my engagement, tossed aside any plans of buying a home, tucked away any ideas of having children, and began my adventures. Always searching for myself, always wanting more.
At one point, I thought maybe something was wrong with me and decided to go to therapy. Why don’t I want the things that everyone else does? The things I am supposed to want? Am I doing something wrong? We spent several weeks questioning things, mostly me paying him to listen to my constant stream of consciousness. He finally asked, “Why are you here?”. I honestly didn’t know. Maybe I wanted him to just tell me what to do, but he wouldn’t. The best advice he ever gave me was this, “It’s OK now. You made it. Let down your walls because you survived.” Doesn’t seem like much, but I knew he was referring to the fact that I signed my first lease before I was out of high school and have been on my own practically ever since. I had to work very hard to survive and the notions of any dreams I had slipped away. I don’t have some tragic childhood, but I craved independence and with that came loads of responsibility, as I soon found out. My therapist was right, it was over… I made it, now what? Keep going? Or take a look around a reassess. I knew the answer, yet it wasn’t until my sister said to me, “Kel, I don’t think you will ever want to settle down until you get out there and just go.” My wise little sister, while she was right, her motives were purely set on the fact that she is about to get married and wants me to join her in creating the next generation of our family. On one hand I reach for my suitcase and on the other hand I hear the proverbial clock ticking…just like that dreaded alligator from peter pan. Someone turn him into my suitcase! Speaking metaphorically of course, ya’ll know I’m all about the animals and their rights. Nonetheless, it was at this point that I realized that it’s OK to want something different and to dream again.
Looking at myself as an example begs me to again question, do we ever really change at our core? After 30 years of walking this planet and over 10 years pursuing a life I never really wanted, guess what? I’m right back where I started…looking at this girl with a love for adventure, a thirst for knowledge and a spirit that stands strong and unbroken. Last year was both one of tremendous joys and the deepest sorrows I have felt in so very many years. While I was just beginning to spread my wings on my first trip to another country, I came home to a harsh reminder that we have such a fragile reality. By the end of the year, I not only tragically lost three of my cousins, but also my best-friends husband, who is also my goddaughter’s father. I still don’t have the words to describe the immense sadness that weighs down the pit of my stomach when I think of how much I miss them all. I can feel the tears beginning to swell in my eyes just remembering them and their lives. The experience that was 2016 jerked me into a harsh truth that we really don’t have that much time here. If I were to go tomorrow, would I be living the life that I truly wanted, deep in the depths of my soul? The same truths we hide from, no matter how painful, are the same ones that will set us free upon facing. And just like that, I booked my next trip.
It’s time. I know it…everyone knows it. I must let go of the past and forgive myself for letting myself down, for not living up to the high standards that I set. I must let go of regrets and remember how much I am fortunate to have already learned in my short life. I must let go of the fear and recognize how strong of a woman I have become. Finally, I must let go of control and remember to trust the universe. Trusting my intuition and following my heart will be the scariest thing I’ve ever done… but the most rewarding.
From my journey to yours…
BRILLIANTLY BOHEMIAN 